I paid once (they aren't subscriptions) so I don't feel ashamed to "pirate" them at all, and even if I didn't the app developers are actual people I trust and wouldn't mind paying, but "because Google" I cannot use them legitimately.
(Bonus: Aurora Store can still download the apps through my own account, so it's the official Play Store's fault!)
Now it's the time to play the fun and exciting game of "find the clean Lucky Patcher in the sea of malware"
Wait, I might've gotten Play Store working again. I have no idea how, but I think I did.
Personal server. Totally overkill but ok.